How to Insult Your Dragon: a Snoggletog story for 2016
by Marty the Martian
Summary: Most Dragon Riders now know where the dragons go in the days before Snoggletog; but if you didn't, it could be a very worrying time. At a time like this, you would need a friend to help you through the tough times. What you wouldn't need are a pair of Thorstons.
1. Chapter 1

**Merry Christmas Stripesicles222 and to all my other readers.**

 **It may have been said before, but I really appreciate the time you all take to read my stories and leave nice comments. Unfortunately it is beyond my ability to send you all a Christmas present so I will have to take the easy (and cheap) way out by giving to you all this new holiday tale.**

 **So settle down by the fire, gather all the newly hatched Nadders, Gronckles and Nightmares to your side and enjoy what I'm sure will become a new Christmas tradition. Watching Gift of the Night Fury on DVD and then reading the sequel...**

How to Insult Your Dragon

 _A Snoggletog Story_

Chapter 1

The bow of the small boat heaved up as it crashed into yet another wave. Salt spray hit the dark haired girl square in the face but there was nothing more it could do to her for she was already drenched to the skin. She was no stranger to rough weather and she considered the day to be quite mild, but she still looked forward to making landfall very soon. It was a tough little boat taking her to Berk and she was grateful to have it, even though the young lady was more accustomed to a very different mode of transport; she just hoped the fishermen she had "borrowed" it from, would understand when she brought it back… if she brought it back.

Her navigation skills were quite high but the thick grey clouds and strong easterly wind meant her final approach to the island of Berk was a little too far to the west than she would have liked, but it all worked out for the best when the girl saw two young people on the beach nearby. At first she could not see what the strange pair were up to, but it soon became apparent they were fighting. Their behaviour made perfect sense however, when she realised the combatants were none other than Ruffnut and Tuffnut Thorston, for whom battle was a true way of life.

"AHOY THERE!" she called out as Ruffnut held her brothers head under the waves.

The sudden unexpected call caught the horn helmeted girls attention, giving her brother the opportunity he needed to reverse the whole situation.

"Globn't bloo grat; blits guvorblbt" Ruffnut implored her brother.

"What was that sis?" Tuffnut asked as he lifted Ruff's head out of the sea.

"I said don't do that; it's Heather" she declared after spitting out a mouthful of brine.

Tuffnut released his grip on Ruffnuts hair and stood up. Not far away he saw the small sailboat as it rode a white capped wave to the shore. As soon as it had beached itself, the wave behind crashed into it. The boat rolled over and dumped its passenger unceremoniously onto the sand.

"Ruff, Tuff, I've got to find Hiccup; something terrible has happened.

"Sorry Heather but Hiccup isn't on the Island; but we can help" Ruffnut declared proudly.

"That's right" Tuffnut agreed "for whenever something terrible happens, you can be sure we'll be there."

"So we have the most experience with terrible occurrences" Ruffnut added.

Heather was not sure about the logic shown by Ruffnut and Tuffnut, but she desperately needed help of the kind only available from the Dragon Riders of Berk.

"Its Windshear" Heather sobbed "She's gone."

"Well of course she's gone; it's..." Tuffnut started before his sister clamped her hand over his mouth.

"No need to be so blunt my brother" Ruffnut blurted out.

Heather sighed as she stared down at her feet so she did not notice the sly wink Ruffnut used to signal her brother.

"Oh... err... yes how could I be so insensitive?" Tuffnut slapped his forehead with the back of his hand "Maybe you should explain Ruffnut, since you too are a weak and emotional female."

He may have been playing the game perfectly, but Tuffnut's comment still got him a punch in the face.

"It appears to me like you too have insulted your dragon" Ruffnut said as she put her arm around Heathers shoulder.

"Insulted my dragon? What are you talking about?" Heather asked.

"My esteemed brother and I have also committed the unpardonable crime of insulting our dragon and that is why we have just completed the Ritual of Atonement. In this way we hope Barf and Belch will find it in their heart... or hearts, to forgive us and return."

"But what could I have done to insult Windshear?" Heather asked with surprise.

"It could have been anything; dragons are very sensitive" Tuffnut nodded.

"Have you ever sat down to a meal without giving Windshear her food first?" Ruffnut asked.

"Never; I always take care of her before I eat" Heather protested.

"Have you ever broken wind while sitting in the saddle?" Tuffnut grinned.

"What? No... I don't think so."

"Are you sure?" Tuffnut pushed.

"I don't know" Heather blurted out "I don't keep a Flatulence Diary."

"Oh I do" Tuffnut said as he joyfully pulled a small notebook out of his tunic and began to read a random page."

"September 17th at 11:30 am; Fishlegs claims the reason Meatlug just threw up in the Great Hall, was because she had eaten some moss covered rocks that morning and they had given her a sour stomach. But I maintain it was because of the fruity bottom burp I had produced. Volume 7 out of 10,  
Aroma 8 ½ out of 10,  
Continuity..."

"I think she gets the idea" Ruffnut interrupted "It doesn't matter what you did to insult Windshear; the question is, what will you do to win her back?"

"I'd do anything to get her back" Heather begged.

"Good" Ruffnut grinned "What did you just see Tuff and me doing when you came ashore?"

"It um... looked like you were holding each other's heads underwater. Is that what I have to do to show Windshear how sorry I am?"

The twins smiled as they looked at each other before they both burst out laughing.

"Oh Heather, Heather, Heather" Ruffnut shook her head "You may remember I said we have just completed the Ritual of Atonement; you can't start at the end."

"You must start at the beginning" Tuffnut informed her.

"Okay then... how do I start?" she asked.

* * *

 **And so the Thorston's new evil plan begins. New chapter every day because there are only three.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**T'was the night before Snoggletog and all across Berk,  
Vikings ate and drank heartily; ignoring their work.**_

* * *

How to Insult Your Dragon

 _A Snoggletog Story_

Chapter 2

Heather was still not sure what she had done to cause her dragon such insult, but this Ritual of Atonement sounded like the best way to show Windshear she had meant no offence. She just hoped it would not take too long to complete.

"As a dragon rider, you will always fly to high places rather than walk" Ruffnut instructed.

"So to show your dragon how much you appreciate the help she gives, you must go to a high place without her help; you must climb Mount Berk... alone" Tuffnut added.

"Won't you two come with me?" Heather asked.

"We would love to" Ruffnut said.

"But we can't" Tuffnut agreed.

"My brother and I have already done that part and if we were to do it again, it would appear as if we did not trust our dragon to honour the ancient ritual."

"So you're on your own kid" Tuffnut smirked.

"When you get to the top, raise your arms high and shout; I am the lowest of the low and do not deserve the friendship of a fine dragon" Ruffnut ordered.

She may have been on her own for the climb, but the twins conceded to escort Heather to the base of the mountain where they set up a small campsite for themselves.

"You go back to the village and get our tents while I stay here and tend the fire" Ruffnut told her brother when Heather had departed.

"Oh no" Tuffnut protested "I always do the hard work; so this time we'll do it the other way around."

"Okay then, I'll stay here and tend the fire while you go back and fetch our tents" Ruffnut agreed.

"That's better" Tuffnut nodded as he marched off.

"AND BRING BACK SOME FOOD" Ruffnut shouted.

Tuffnut returned an hour later pulling a small cart full of gear that was soon turned into the new Thorston camp. About mid afternoon the twins were relaxing by the fire and turning a spit roasted leg of mutton, when a voiced echoed down through the valley.

"I am the lowest of the low and do not deserve the friendship of a fine dragon" the voice declared.

"How long do you think we can keep this up?" Ruffnut asked.

"Not long" Tuffnut answered "Hiccup is due back tomorrow and he's bound to spoil everything."

"Yeah what a killjoy; so I'm thinking something with mud in it for Heathers next task."

"Sounds promising, but how about... wild Changewings?"

"Now you're talking" Ruffnut gave an evil grin "The question is how to employ them?"

"Don't forget to save some food for Heather; she's gonna be pretty hungry when she gets back" Tuffnut noted.

"Maybe the participant is not permitted to eat until the Ritual of Atonement is completed."

"Hmm... yes I believe you're right my sister."

Time went by and the twins took great delight in devouring the mutton leg, then as Tuffnut lay back in front of the fire loosening his belt a little, the twins heard the sound of someone approaching.

"Well done; are you ready for your next task?" Ruffnut called out.

"My next task is to find out what you two are doing up here."

"Fishlegs, my fine fellow" Tuffnut sprang to his feet "What brings your neck to these woods... and when are you leaving?"

"A familiar voice was heard in the village over an hour ago and I am here to find out what is going on and what you two have to do with it?"

"A voice you say? I was certain it was just the haunting winds of Mount Berk" Tuffnut explained.

"And we are here for... umm... survival training; yes that sounds plausible" Ruffnut added.

"Survival training" Fishlegs looked at them with suspicion "The two laziest Vikings who ever lived."

"We've turned over a new leaf" Ruffnut said proudly.

"There was a bug under it" Tuffnut smiled and picked his teeth "Mmmm... crunchy."

"Well good luck surviving; I'm headed up the mountain to see what I can find."

"I WOULDN'T IF I WERE YOU" Ruffnut advised nervously "Um err... Changewings; very dangerous."

"There are no Changewings around at this time of year; there are no dragons at all."

"Oh yeah" the twins both said as the looked at each other.

"We should have stuck to the mud plan" Ruffnut said.

"Stuck... mud; good one sis" Tuffnut giggled.

"Did I just hear you say there were no dragons here?"

Fishlegs turned in surprise at the sound of a very familiar voice.

"Heather" he smiled broadly "So that was you calling from the top of Mount Berk."

"I am so happy to see you Fishlegs" Heather declared as she hurried over and took his hands in hers.

"But what are you doing here?" he asked.

"The twins have been helping me with the Ritual of Atonement; I'm sure they've been doing their best, but no one knows their dragons like you Fishlegs."

"The... Ritual... of... Atonement?" he sneered at the twins.

The Snow Goose of Suspicion wandered up to Fishlegs and was about to peck at his ankle, when it suddenly realised, it was in the wrong story and promptly vanished in a puff of artistic licence.

The twins smiled in a desperate attempt to look innocent as they slowly stepped backwards.

"I have a strong feeling our survival training is about to get way more intense" Ruffnut noted.

"What survival training?" Tuffnut responded "I thought that was just a story we were telling Fishbrains to throw him off the trail."

Tuffnut Thorston often thought of Fishlegs as nothing more than a big cuddly marshmallow but little did he know, there was quite a bit of muscle in the mix.

* * *

 **I just heard on the radio it is going to be 40 Celsius (104 Fahrenheit) in Adelaide on Christmas day. I don't think any creatures will be stirring here either.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,  
In hope that Jack Nicolson soon would be there. **_

How to Insult Your Dragon

 _A Snoggletog Story_

Chapter 3

Back at the village, Astrid prepared a nice hot bath for Heather and left out some warm dry clothes for her. When she was ready, the dark haired girl joined her friends in the Great Hall for an evening of good food and friendship.

"And then Toothless sneaks in through the door" Astrid said as everyone hung on her every word "So I said to Hiccup, I wouldn't want to be you right now; I mean you brought back everyones dragon except yours. As you could guess, he wasn't pleased so I spun him around and there was his Night Fury; right behind him. Hiccup was so happy, although he did try to scold Toothless for being away for so long. The best part was when he noticed something in the dragon's mouth; it was Hiccups lost helmet and before you could say Green Gronckles Going Gaga, Toothless had dumped it on Hiccups head, leaving him covered in dragon spit."

All the Vikings standing around the table all laughed heartily and then took a long draught of their drinks. They all knew the story well but there was no doubt it's telling would soon become a new Snoggletog tradition.

"So Windshear has just gone to Dragon Island for a few days?" Heather said with relief in her voice.

"Well it may be a week" Fishlegs explained "Hiccup brought our dragons back early so you may have to wait a little longer."

"Last year he used the bow from one of our wrecked Longships to bring the little ones back" Gobber explained "but this year we sent him off with some specially made Baby Dragon Baskets."

"Even though we know what's happening this year, we still miss the dragons" Stoick said and everyone agreed with him.

"I'm for one am just glad we don't have to cope with anymore exploding Gronckle eggs" Gobber noted to even louder agreement.

"Now if only we could do something about Astrids Yak Nog" and the agreement was deafening.

Heather was pleased to know the truth about her dragon's disappearance and felt a little foolish for believing the twins story about insulting a dragon. She did miss her precious Razorwhip so she was glad she could spend her time waiting with good friends who felt exactly the same way she did and all brought cheer to each other on the cold winters night. Gobber of course was the life of the party and was about to sing another of his many favourite Snoggletog Carols, when the main door flew open and a half frozen Snotlout rushed in.

"HE'S BACK... THEY'RE BACK... THEY'RE ALL BACK" he shouted.

"Is Snottykins trying to tell us something?" Astrid smiled.

"I do believe someone is back" Fishlegs agreed.

The Vikings all hurried for the door and poured out into the night. As expected they saw Hiccup and Toothless leading all the dragons back home to Berk. In place of their normal saddles, each dragon wore a harnessed basket and inside each basket was a little surprise.

"Good to see you all again Babe" Astrid declared as she gave Hiccup a welcome home kiss.

"And of course it's good to be back" he agreed as he held her tight.

"You're not the only one with special visitors" Astrid smirked as she led Hiccup over towards the Great Hall.

Hiccups confusion melted away when through the crowd of Vikings rushing forward to find the new additions to their families, he saw a familiar dark haired girl.

"Heather; what a wonderful surprise" he gave her a hug before leading her back towards the maddening crowd.

"I am so glad to see you" he smiled "and you've saved me another trip on a cold night."

Near the center of the commotion and to Heathers delight, Hiccup pointed out a strong Razorwhip.

"WINDSHEAR!" she cried and rushed to hug her dragon.

"How did you know to bring her here Babe?" Astrid asked.

"I didn't but I thought it would be better than leaving her behind all by herself; after all, when you've got little ones, there is safety in numbers.

Hiccup walked over to Boomer the Zippleback and reached into the basket on his back. Heathers legs turned to jelly when she saw two of the cutest little Razorwhips she had ever seen and she even started to sob as she hugged the baby dragons.

With tears of joy flowing down her face, Heather threw her arms around Hiccup and Fishlegs, kissing them each on the cheek.

Thank you Hiccup for taking such good care of my dragon and thank you Fishlegs for... well... taking such good care of me. Sorry for kissing your boyfriend Astrid but I couldn't help myself."

"How could I be angry at someone who shows so much love for their dragon?" Astrid smiled but then hit Hiccup on the arm "you though should not have enjoyed it so much."

"Um... ow?" Hiccup pretended to be hurt."

"What about me?" Snotlout complained "I stood out in the cold all night keeping vigil for those dragons; don't I get a little appreciation?"

"Thank you Snotty Pooh" Astrid said sweetly and kissed his forehead.

"Yeah... well... that's better, but don't call me Snotty Pooh."

"Anything you say Sugar Pie" Fishlegs grinned as he slapped Snotlout on the back.

"Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm cold" Hiccup declared.

"How about some nice warm Yak Nog?" Astrid asked as they wandered back inside.

"Umm... no thanks, I'm good" he nodded "But where are Ruff and Tuff?"

"Oh they won't be back tonight" Fishlegs gave an evil grin "They decided to do some special winter survival training."

* * *

"Was that a Timber Wolf?" Tuffnut enquired about the howl he had just heard in the distance.

"What makes you think there are Timber Wolves on Berk?" Ruffnut asked.

"We have timber so..."

"Using your strange logic, Berk should also have Mountain Lions, Swamp Gators and Sea Monkeys."

"Not to mention Cave Spiders" Tuffnut added.

"We do have Cave Spiders" Ruffnut noted.

"I asked you not to mention Cave Spiders."

A single snowflake drifted down and landed perfectly on the last red ember of the fire and with a quiet hiss, it turned to black.

"Have you got your ropes loose yet" Ruffnut asked as she struggled against the tree.

"Not yet but I'm working on it. Oh look... nice doggy."

* * *

 _ **Merry Christmas to all,  
And to all... a good night.**_


End file.
